06/09/2024

I. GNASHING TEETH

This is going very well haha. Honestly, this fucking month, dude.

II. BOOKS

I just finished reading Little Fish and before that Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars. It's felt so nice to spend time with these characters, even through the bad shit. God. I talk about them to Madi like they're my friends who're filling me in on their lives.

III. HELLSITE

I found myself in our country's trans subreddit and met a really nice girl who's just starting her transition this year. Like, she's taking her first hormones tomorrow! Anyway, we've been texting, and it's nice.

02/09/2024

I. FAMILY [SCREAMING]

So, I came out to my mom on the ... 21st. She had nothing to say about it. The 25th was my grandmother's (as well as my wife's) birthday. I called them up like normal and just let everything slide because surely I must not spoil the party.
Then, yesterday, I called them again for our weekly video chat. Within the first two seconds, my mother misgendered me. I thought, "I wonder how many times I'll allow it. It's gonna be hard for her at first." Around the ten minute mark she launched into a story about me in the third person (why, even, though? I was right there). MASCULINE PRONOUNS: 6, ACCEPTED PRONOUNS: 0. I just got really quiet and nodded and looked down. I told them that I had gone to a book club this week (it didn't go well, and I was really upset about it for a couple days). Instead of asking me anything about it, though, my mom decided to scold me for not visiting my other grandmother (who has dementia and doesn't know who I am) and say:
"You have to get motivated, Deadname."
I hung up the phone.
Apparently, later that evening, she talked to my sister and kept using the wrong pronouns and name for me, and my sister said to stop, and she replied, "He's not here." My sister said, "So??? You should practicing now." And my mom said, "I grew up with 'he/she,' I can't do 'they'." (I told her I use "she/they". So she could use "she". She also worked at a small liberal arts college until two years ago. How many students must she have misgendered???) My sister, who usually doesn't talk with my mom, said, "You're fucking this up with the one kid who talks to you." I'm really so grateful to have her as my sibling.
Anyway, today, my mom sent me a text message saying to call her (I didn't), and then another one with a picture of her night blooming cereus with the words, "My night blooming cereus might bloom tonight." Meanwhile, my step-dad (not a great person overall — this is an understatement) sent me a text saying that he'd always love and support me and be there for me no matter what. Like how fucking hard is that for my mom to say? Every week I call and listen to her lectures on what I should be doing, followed by the details of her day, and I only end up ever feeling bad about myself. And she cannot even bother to try. Anyway . . .
I'm gonna visit my sister in NYC towards the end of September. She's really nauseous and tired and could use some help.

19/08/2024

I. FAMILY

I talk to my mother and grandmother once every week. This is too much. I know this is too much, but the obligation remains. I am a child of guilt.
I also have not come out to them.
I mean, I came out as gay 17 years ago. Then I married M, and they were overjoyed at having a son/grandson in a relationship they could actually talk about in church. Or anywhere at all.
And now.
That unemployed child who already brings them shame is actually a non-binary transsexual ...
Gasp!
Just kidding. I expect more of an incredulous mockery. Raised eyebrows. "Apparently, ... "s.
So, no, I haven't told them yet.
On video chat, they never fail to comment in mild dismay on how long my hair is getting. [Inappropriate comparison regarding my hair made by my grandmother.] She is not capable of saying out loud that the couple across the street from her are lesbians. She was not capable of saying that my boyfriend was my boyfriend.
These are "good liberal" folk.
And since my sister is now pregnant (I am excited about this), they've begun calling me Uncle Deadname. My sister has been talking to our mom again, and she refers to me only as her sibling. Last week my mother asked me why she doesn't use my name:

C: Why doesn't she call you Deadname? Why does she only say "my sibling"?
b: Because I don't use that name with her anymore.
C: And what name do you use?
b: Why would I tell you if you guys don't respect names anyway (Note: My sister changed her name 10 years ago, and my mother still ignores this fact.)
C: Yeah, you can't change your name. Deadname. Deadname Deadname Lozano Johnson.

So I guess things are coming to a head.
Next week is my grandmother's birthday. After that, I must act.
Meanwhile, my perpetually absent father was supposed to stop by last week and bring me some paperwork and introduce us to his dog. I even bought dog treats.
I know, I know.
We'll see if he makes it before his partner leaves again and he's stuck up in the mountains alone for another couple months.

II. MUSIC

Been getting back into more metal and punk lately. I want to make another mixtape soon:

III. IDLE TALK

M and I have been talking about friends and community and the future. Whether to move again — back or just elsewhere. Whether to form a queer commune; whether anyone we know would want to live in a queer commune. After deleting my Mastodon client, looking at Cohost less, I'm not unhappy. I love this apartment. I love this city. She says it's healthy to want friends and family you can talk to, but the more I retract into our little world, the less I feel their absence.

IV. CONCLUSION

F***, I have to come out again, don't I?

F*** ME, HERE WE GO AGAIN (DIARY ITERATION III) 17/08/2024

I. MAKING FRIENDS

I've only made one friend in the past ten years, and we kissed almost immediately. It's kinda the only way I have of getting comfortable around someone new.
Right now, besides M, I don't have anyone I'm close to.
I'm feebly trying to change this.
I really lack the skills or ability to make a friend on the internet.
And anything else seems impossible for now.
During the last twenty years on forums, blogs, and timelines, I've been surrounded by people with social anxiety who function online much differently than I can.
Anyway, it only really bothers me sometimes, like when I read a post at 6 in the morning about how, despite all the horrible shit someone has to take as a trans person, it's made better by their wonderful internet friends.

II. HRT

I cried, and the tears went into my own ears last night. 10/10.
Progynova was harder to find in pharamacies this week. I hope there won't be shortage again.

III. READING

Hil Malatino quoting Sara Ahmed and making me rediscover my interest in phenomenology. And then, Cortázar as well.

I also read and loved this essay by Fran O'Farrell. It gave me goosebumps.

IV. CONCLUSION

Last night, after writing part of this, I decided it's probably best for me not to be as online as I am.